Since birth I have been somewhat moody. I would brood while pretneding to play with Barbie. When I was seven I came up with a theory on life. It was meaningless, "even if there is a God", I thought,"when we die, what matter will this place make?".I had coloring books (as most little kids do) but in mine, I would write about death. I would write small suicide letter with pictures of blooddrops. I have always been somewhat obsessed with death. It is an unknown, I obsess on that which I can not hold in my hand.
In the second grade I remember being given assignments on vocabulary words. We were to take each word, define it, then put it in a sentence. I was far too philosophical at this age for my own good. I would ramble on about what the word really meant for at least a fulle page. The teachers loved my over compensation. I would pass in these eight page papers with in depth studies on things even she found interesting at the age of 35.
As an infant I would lay in my mother's arms as she sang lullabies to me. I would hum along in perfect melody. This amazed my mother enough to start me in every artistic class known to man and stage mom. I was in piano lessons, art class, Saxaphone, dancing, singing and, for christ sake, school. It didn't take me long to quit or get kicked out of these classes. I began to grow very bitter toward my mother for pressuring me. She said, one time, that I would be the one in our family to really go somewhere in life.
Which brings me to why I stopped learning.
My older sister was and will always be who I look up to most. When I was 8 she gave me the advise which would shape my gradeschool career. "If you do good, they will expect it from you all the time". She was right. From then on I was going to be and underacheiver.
So, I quit reading. I became a classs clown. Until then I was a loner. I was intimidated by other kids my age and my mother and father were far too busy to spend much time with me. When I found humor as an outlet, somthing exploded. It was amazing, everyone liked me. I may have gotten out of control. I never was myself, I realized that the only thing I could do right as perform. I became extremely frustrated when Ilearned that not only was show business not an easy feild to get into, but no one wanted to help me. Along with people laughing at your jokes, being a clown to the extent I was, makes people take you less and less serious as life goes on. By High School, I was not only the clown, but considered insane.
